Mix of everything

After a long break from blogging, here i am again, writing to u guys (: Blame JieYing for the influence (=P).

Date:: 28 Oct 2011

- Woke up late for 8am class. Again. Tat's so me ==" Force myself to wake up n get ready to coll tho i know i wont make it. While on my way, a super bad news hit me. "You have been absence 7 times". 7 times!!!!!!!!!???? OMG!! I almost gt barred for Retail Mktg...! Darn.. Never once in my life I skip more than 5 times for a class. This is so friggin suprising.. Immediately came to my senses; fully awake upon receiving da news. From now onwards, I shall set 15 alarms (my current 6 aint helpin ==) to wake myself up. Or... A better solution. Overnite at JieYing's place. She's diligent n wont skip class. Aaaahhh.. 我的救星~ hahahaha. See im clever :P

Promised myself to attend every single class til end of sem. Hopefully i can do it =]

- Am all gear up to hit da gym today but.... "Sorry. Empire Fitness First will resume business on 15th November". Another darn.. Haiz.... Boh mood liao..

*************************************************************************************

--True Feelings--

Its been almost a month since the day u left.

You left without a single goodbye.

Made me drown in solemness..

No one actually knows how much i suffered back then.

Unable to voice out my sadness, so torturing i burst out crying unconsciously.

A sudden text from u in middle of the night.

Totally enlightened me n i can feel my heart aint aching tat much anymore.

Mayb i'd finally get to talk to u.

Now, i can slowly move on..

For this entire 30+ days, i try very hard to escape from this loneliness.

I can slowly c da light ahead of da roughly road im walking on.

I've gt support from ma best frens. Pure awesome frens (:

Having them around, my burden is easing; i smile more; i laugh more; im..happy =]

One told me, in order to forget da person u like so much, u gotta break da bonds between both of u.

I decided to do so but i jz cant. I cant afford to do it. Im nt strong enuf..

In da end, da weaker side of me conquers me.

I...

Have feelings for him. Once again.....

Many told me im tough. U're wrong. Physically i am bt mentally im not.

Reality has slapped me countless times, asking me to wake up.

Wat i did to counter?

Nothing.

Wounds r growing; Scars getting bigger;

I'd rather grow in pain than erasing u from my life.

How pathetic...

Im following the road with no end..

Wandering around..

I live da life of a fool.

Someone.

Pls..guide me back on track.

Its been a darn one and a half year.

I duwan to continue tis..

Let me feel da love of love..

Let me feel appreciated..

Let me be da one for u..

You, the guy im writing about.

You'd dedicated Christina Perri's A Thousand Years for her.

This proves how strong your love for her.

I noe i cant fit in anywhere..

And so i chose to be bystander..

But for how long....

Huge mistake...

13/11/2010.

This is the day i'll rmbr most in my life; for i've done a huge, enormous mistake...

Time:: 8pm.

Activity:: Dinner wif Z at Grill King (puchong). Everyting seems okie til the point Z mentioned stuff abt P. Upon hearing tat, Im down. Completely. I did not show out at 1st bt as time goes on, it jz got into me n out of a sudden, my temper arise. I felt upset. Thr's tis one ting in life tat i reali HATE MOST - just tel me straight to the face if u dislike/dissatisfied wif wat I did. I dun like to noe fr 3rd parties. Even if tat matter hurts me, its nt up for u to decide. I'll change if i feel i nid to. I can take it. U may say im childish, bt tis is a fact. Im tat kind of person. I'll rather opt for honesty tho it might hurts me...

:: I promised Z not to tel P abt it, bt eventually i did. I noe i made a big mistake here, for breaking up our promises. Im reali sorry, other den sorry i duno wat else shud i say. I do not noe it turned out tis way. The reason i told him was, i jz wan an answer. I feel so upset. It jz hurts me much.. I admit in findin tat answer, i betrayed our promises. Im sorry. I've chosen to be selfish in tis matter. I did not even tink of da consequences. Again, Z, im reali sorry...sorry... I hope tis wont ruin our frenship....i reali hope so...

:: If I'd chosen to be silent in da 1st place, tis wont happen. No one to blamed on except for myself. Serves me rite for wat had happened. I hate a part of me whr wheneva someone i care most did something wrong towards me, da only ting i can tink of is - CONFRONT. I din reali tink of da consequences. I tried to forget everyting bt i cant. It keeps on playin in my head. It makes me suffer....

:: Never b4 i felt so upset for a fren. I guess tis fren jz matters to me alot. Given da same situation bt diff ppl, I might choose nt to confront. I might be able to get over it. Nevertheless, wat happened had happened. For now, I cant do anyting except to wait for Z to forgive me. For now, P owed me explanations. For tis time round, Im da bad gal...

:: I nearly had insomnia. Depression leads to insomnia, tats wat most ppl said. Now i blif it...

:: Z, i never meant to ruin ur frenship wif P. Swear to God, nt even for one sec i hav such thought. Plz forgive me..

:: P, i hope u can b honest to me... Again, Im da one who insist Z to tel me in da 1st place. Dun blame him...

Guys, sincerely fr my heart, IM SORRY. IM REALI SORRY..

Just another day...

15.10.2010



Marks da day whr we screw enl test 1 gao gao. haha..can we score???? DEFINITELY!! (5/10%) hehe. After enl 207, i wont place high hope for tis one. So long i can secure a B, tats more den enuf~ (:



Jz FYI, tis lil bloggie, i'll shower it wif melancholic posts. yea. its time for some changes tho =]

but! wheneva necessary, i'll stil update u guys wif some happie posts (:



******************************************************



These two days, i've been feeling quite down. All da laughters n stupid acts from me, are jz camouflage of wat im feelin deep inside.

These two days, i duno wat reali hpn. Izit me thinking too muchie or izit tings hav changed? I somehow felt thr's slight change on da way u treat me~ nt jz me even others felt da same way. The Q WHY keeps popping out in my head. I've tried settled down n tink it thru thoroughly bt i cant seem to find da rite answer. I admit, I admit its my fault bt im jz playin..i din do it on purpose. Even so, i seriously dun tink its my mistake. I do not tease for no reason. Its for ur own good too..haiz.. Mayb, mayb i do hurt ur feeling bt i've apologized. Sincerely. Somehow, even a sincered 'sorry' cant cure all wounds; jz like da sayin, "No use cryin over split milk". Wat else can i do? I reali duno~

Thursday - 14.10.2010

Arrived home, feelin slightly better~ (:
Had a drink to soothe my gloominess...

(cont) 15.10.2010

Tho feelin a lil tired, am all geared up to face da day wif sunshine mood; coz i believe today will nt be any typical day (: somehow, thr's jz sometin tat turn me off == nvm. small matter. fuck it. I duno y i even bothered so much. Zzzzzz...

Rite after innovation class, head straight to library. Everytin is okie til i felt sumtin is nt rite abt my stomach...n hell yea it does. Went to loo to settle everytin..shoot it took so damn long -.-

Then...ah. Emo part came up.

(im nt gonna tel u wat izit abt =P) Seriously, i NEVER tot i'll fall so damn hard. It literally strikes my heart da moment i saw ............ n da moment i said she's ............. It reali hit me hard. For wat reason, i wish i noe y. I tot i can forget bt da scene keep rolling in my head amid da test. I lose focus. At one point, i even feel like putting down my pen n walk out without finishing da whole paper. Im reali so close to sobbing bt i held bec. Grasping my pen so hard, i told myself i cant screw tis paper. Not english. After few mins of struggles, am managed to gt bec on track.... ): Hope i wont gt a farkdup result. Am jz not in da rite state of mind to do da best. Nevertheless, i've gave it all n jz hope i wont gt a kiam cai result..

On da way bec, i tink abt ntg bt da whole scene. Again. == Darn...imma pathetic lil gal... Y do i even giv a farking care???? Its nt abt me, its nt sumtin i should noe, its nt sumtin im concern abt... So y im feelin so down??? No one even cares abt my feelin. So y im feelin such a busybody myself? Zzzzzzzz... Shed tears sumore. Haiz....Guess im nt tat tough after all ):
Nvm. Let bygone be bygone~ Gonna recover soon i guess. *crossfinger*

U will never understand

After all those dying moments, my bloggie finali bounce back to life, bt nt for a happy post =]

I had a dream last nite.
Its so real tat i found myself crying when i woke up.
In tat dream, thr's him, wif his gal, n me, n da rest of anoymousssss..
I can stil recalled tat particular scene vividly. He's holding his gal's hand n mumbled sumtin i cant rmbr...den thr's a part he said, 'plz dun be lidat'. It clearly means im jz being stupid for fooling around. I knew i wont get wat i want so i ran out n my final words, U'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND MY FEELING. I was crying all da way...

While im writing tis, im sobbing quietly. No one understand how i feel bt myself.

Im nt demanding anyting. I knew all tis while wat im doin is nt rite yet i stil go for it. So it serves me rite for wat im gettin in return. Im nt putting da blame on anyone. In fact, im da criminal. In order to be happie, i do tings past beyond da limit of wat frens do. I dun care wat ppl tink, bt now, da truth hits me. I'll never achieve da real happieness. Im jz lying to myself..

So wat if i tel him my real feeling? Tat wont get me to wat i hoped for, bt an awkward moment. Im nt tat kind of person who likes to tink so much. For me, jz go thru my life, enjoy it n be happie. bt im nt doin da rite ting...mayb tis time i tink too much. i dun giv a fucking damn.

I've gave myself some time n i dun tink i nid an answer to a question tat has been playing in my head for some time. Jz let it be.. Yes or no, it doesnt matter anymore.

Frens foreva. (:

im so confused tat im now in a state of confusion

im in...
DILEMMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :S

hmm.. how should i put tis...

two weeks break.
a period of time b4 my life turn into a living hell.
a period of time to mesmerize all da memories wif all of u~
a period of time to watch all da dramas.
a period of time to think things over.
a period of time to figure out the solution for should-i-do-it-or-not matter..

recently, i've been doin much thinking abt guys.
nt guys as in a whole bt those tat i like.
as once said, "u can like hundreds of guys bt u only love one". tats true.

two days ago i went out wif a guy fren.
aaaahh~~ such a long time since i go dating wif jz guy. haha!
n so, tis triggered me to reconcile all my do-i-reali-like-him problems.

Guy #1
-we used to talk alot n share lotsa tings, bt at tat moment, he already seeing someone.
no matter how hapi i am, i noe whr i stand. im jz a bystander. i should nt interfere. so i jz keep da feeling to myself. im nt even sure whether tat feelin is tat i reali like him or its jz tat im feelin lonely.
-months past since we last went out.... the feeling for him gradually decrease.. i guess i dont reali fall for him. i jz enjoy his company.
-somehow, in one way or another, i'll miss all da conversation we had. in total, i miss him.
-i even tot of confessing bt i hold back. i've gt rejected once n i dun hope history to repeat itself. n so i wait.. da more i wait, da more the feeling fades.
-so now, finali, im able to shoooo him out of my mind. but (argh always a but in everyting!!) once a while, i still check out on him (im nt a stalker). aish...wats wrong wif me??! =.=

Guy#2
-he jz way too gud. i mean his personality. altho im nt reali close to him, i can c tat everyone around him likes him. everybody seems to enjoy having him around.
-we used to text alot. almost everytime, im da one who find him 1st. tis makes me think, "im da only one feelin like tis, am i?". as time pass, i made a conclusion. i do not like him. he's jz being nice n friendly (:

Guy #3
-i've known him since..... aaahh~ i cant rmbr. probably around 2 yrs? =/
i've never met him. we're net frens til da day we decided to hang out. well, everyting turns out great except i almost fall asleep in cinema o.o U cant reali blame me. i watched the same show twice.
-it has been months since i last went out one-on-one wif a guy fren. its nt tat im desperate or wat... it gives u somekind of feelin tat u'll never gt for dating a gurl. ah, im crapping :S
-ppl say when u're wif a guy, if ur heartbeat beats fast, u definitely like him. as for me, i dun feel so. thus i dont like him? bt i miss the outing vry much wor... how's tat? =/
-mayb, like i said, its been a long time since i went out wif guy. so i feel lidat. so i dont like him after all? i cant even answer tis question which has been playin in my mind all da time. aaahh~ stupid me.
-when our eyes met, it seems like the time stops. everytin around me is motion-less. i wish tat moment can stay as long as i want.. bt everytime tat hpn, i always look away. haha.. ==
-so peeps, does tat mean i like him? somehow, i feel tat im nt reali his type. haiz... im still confused. everytin is so complicated!!!!

im walking on a path alone...

its dark..

whr is the end point?? it feels like i've been walking for ages.

i still cant c any light..

will i succeed?

i miss sunshine...

where are you~~~

Is it worth it??

JUSTICE.

We strongly believe thr's justice in the eye of the world. Yes, it is. however, in some cases, it is expcetional. let me tel u a real-life story tats related to tis.

25.3.2010

Got back my econ test 2 result. tho da mark's slightly lower den test 1, im SATISFIED. FULLY SATISFIED. coz i DIDN'T COPY others' ans n i TOTALLY DESERVE DA MARKS I GET. nt to blow my own trumpet or wat; i feel tat my hard work is paid off (:

for some ppl, they DONT EVEN DESERVE the marks they get. da reason i wrote tis post is tat many ppl are totally PISSED OFF by the "some ppl". im nt gonna mention da names, for i noe i'll be hated if i do. okie. i noe each n everyone of us do tiru in our test, bt NOT EVERYTIME. da "some ppl", they jz copied blindly. take econ test an a great example. they scored full marks for objective. even our super WonderGirl aka Ying Ying Lee cant do tat. for da previous test, da same ting occurred. its nt like im saying tat they're dumbo n im clever. no. aren't u curious, how they gt such marks?? hmm..mayb they do turn over a new leaf n study pretty hard. fat chance, i'll say.

alrite. enuf of tat. like my gfs said, if they wanna tiru, pls do it da SMART way. its so damn fucking obvious tat they tiru lar wey. one word for advice - GROW UP. we aint in pre-school anymore. we're in college now. not studying hard for ur tests n jz busy copy others' hw, is tat ur college life? den better off jz look for job. no nid study. waste ur parents' money.

jz for one time, put yourself in our shoes. wat'll u tink when u're working so hard to complete ur work, and others nt doin anyting, take ur work n copy. will u feel happy? if its one or two or three times den its forgiveable lar. Tapi ini, SELALU!!!!! arghh!!! ask urself again, WAT WILL U FEEL? even if tat person is ur close fren, u cant treat him/her lidat. THR'S LIMIT IN EVERYTHING. sharing is caring, bt NOT ALL THINGS CAN BE SHARED. und? u may seems tat we're all okie wif it. da fact is, we dont actually do. we're jz being patience. if we express out, ugly tings hpn. "so lanci...lidat nxt time no nid lend me lar" , "walao...copy a while will sei meh.." , "as fren also wanna kira meh...." etc~ im nt creating stories. these kind of things do hpn. haiz. enuf of tat.

izit tat hard for you guys to jz open ur book, study it, n und it? dun make im-nt-born-to-be-clever as an excuse. everyone is clever in their own ways. like make-up, u practise everyday n u find urself pro in it. its jz da same wif homework, assgmts, tests, exam. plz lar. be independent. if you all continue wif tat kind of attitude, foreva u wont succeed. trust me, i've seen it.

peeps, dont take ppl for granted. tink thru ur kepala otak baru do sumtin. if u're goin to do sumtin ugly, plz tink of da other parties' feelings. we're not robot; jz let u all copy everytin.

to "those" who feel offended, i dont giv a fucking shit. im jz expressing wat im feeling. plus, i din mention anyone. it cud be anyone. or none. if u feel tats u, den its u.

sumtin to think about =) [Part 2]

hmm...~~



tis is rather a special one.

coz i dedicated tis to all my monkey frens.



ENJOY!! ^^

-Besties-

I can still recalled the days we met

U welcome me wif a winsome smile,

A warm hug

A warm hand-shake.

Tis is the heaven of fren-loves tat I've been searchin for.

I'll foreva bear in mind ur kindness,

Ur sarcatism

Ur laugh

Ur smile

Ur silly attitude....

The list never ends.

The sky tat I've lost so long has come back for me

I c angels.

I c demons.

Angels, protecting me, helpin me, showering me wif never-ending loves.

Demons, betrayin me, backstabbing me; creatures I hate the most.

Frens,

Are u on the evil side?

Creatures I called frens,

Without u all,

Im ntg.

Im a lonelier.

Im a loser.

I wont c sunshine tat always brighten, cheering up my days.

I wouldn't noe the meaning of love.

Frens,

U are my pair of imprisoned wings.

U are my pillar of strength.

I count on u.

Creatures I called frens,

I wont allow us to have disgraced memories

All the tings we've been thru,

Will never be erased from my mind.

U painted my life wif colours

N it'll still goes on.

Besties,

Thr's no such ting as ur world n my world.

As long as we c n feel the same ting, its OUR world.

Endless & far, boundless & deep,

Like destinies tat mixed togeta

I'll hold them tight

For we're destined to meet each other.

As if the sky yearns for blood, the flowers wait for the rain & the nite begs for tml,

I yearned so much

For the hope tat we'll still remain togeta.

Togeta we cry,

Togeta we laugh,

Togeta we sing k,

Togeta we spread our wings, flying to distinct place;

But one ting remains...

WE HEART EACH OTHER.